Parallel Universe

Training for a triathlon is a really eye-opening experience, and not just in how jarring the required physical activity and skills are. I've noticed a lot about myself in the 2 months that I've been doing this - most notably how patterns emerge in my response to challenge that surface in my everyday life as well.

The fact is that I am having the experience of myself right now as really kind of self-sabotaging myself. No, I don't have doubts that I will complete it -- I will get through it, even if it's not pretty. But the thing I've done my whole life -- of using my innate capabilities to 'get me through' - even if it doesn't require 100% effort...well it continues. I could be doing more than I'm doing. I have yet to take charge of my nutrition (in fact, while I am building muscle and stamina, I have gained weight), it has been weeks since I completed every recommended workout, and today I bailed on my swim practice just because I was a little tired. I'm not meaning to berate myself in this, but I am noticing how easy I tend to give up on myself, or not hold myself accountable -- like there's a little devil on one shoulder and angel on the other and more often than not, I give into the devil.

I receive high praises for doing this whenever I talk about it -- and yes, I have made many strides that I'm proud of. Our coaches are proud...I've come a long way. But at the end of the day, we each go to bed knowing if we gave it our 100% best. And I know I'm not. What is it? Fear of failure? Fear of success? One of those cliches perhaps...but either way there's a lot of fear couched in a sort of self-deprecation and shoulder-shrugging approach to training and my wanting more for myself...It scares me to know people are watching and rooting me on...to be perfectly honest.

Tomorrow I will do the workout as prescribed and start working towards not just finishing the race, dragging ass across the finish line, but doing it to the best of my ability, and really start to catch myself when I start to sell myself short.